God Whispers

News spreads fast, and good news, I have found, even faster. By now most everyone has heard that the chemo is working, and all those days of nausea, fatigue, lethargy, and bone aches have been worth it. My tumor has been reduced by 80%. Heyward and I meet with my primary breast Doc on Tuesday, so I don’t know if this is normal or extraordinary. I like to think it is the healing hands of God, and everyone’s prayers and that they are truly exceptional results. But something happened that now in foresight (or is it hindsight?), I guess I should have shared with everyone before hand, to show the faith that I have that I will be healed. We all have at one time experienced de-ju-vu, or intuition, or what ever you want to call it. I am now going to start calling these “visions” God whispers. God whispers have come to me over the years, gosh, last year I did have a dream that I was looking at myself in a mirror, and a bald me was looking back. (but I also have had dreams where a 300 pound Tammy with no teeth has looked back at me too!) I really didn’t think anything about it. These dreams or visions have come and gone through the years, and when they have come to light, I laugh, and say, Gosh, I knew this already; God was trying to give me a heads up and prepare me. A goal of mine is to try and listen to these whispers more often and act on them. Anyway, the MRI is not the most pleasant experience; you lie on your stomach, and drop the “girls” into holes where they are then pressed flat to accommodate the images to be taken. An IV is also placed in your arm the entire time. You are then slid into the mouth of a spaceship - donut, with earplugs because sounds the machine makes is deafening. The room temperature is kept bone chilling for the machines sake. The nurses cover you with a warm blanket in the effort to keep you from freezing. So I am in this state of uncomfort, trying not to have a panic attack, the girls are in vice grips and I am told not to move (not a problem!), so I start saying the Lords prayer to calm me. In the middle of this I hear (and remember I have earplugs on) whispered to me, 80%. Throughout the rest of the day, it is implanted in my head 80%. We are told that it is a 24-hour wait to get the images read. The next day we do not hear from the imaging office. Heyward is on pins and needles, but I am calm, because I know it is going to be at 80%, but I fail to share this with anyone. Why? Because my human frailties take over and I am a little frightened to acknowledge that such an awesome thought has been sent to me. The devil did send me a few nay Sayers, but I turned them away assuring them that I had no doubt that good news awaited us. My wig and I are at work when Heyward called, the Doc has finally got in touch with him and announced an 80% reduction! I started crying, the girls at work started crying, I am crying now as I type this. Confirmation of my God whisper. I will listen to these whispers, and believe .

Hot Flashes, Nose Hair and a Milestone
Okay, first milestone yesterday. I finished up my fourth round of the “AC” (called the Red devil) chemo yesterday. Thanks to a very awesome, attentive nurse (always befriend the nurses), she noticed that my white blood count was normal and was able to talk to the doctor and call off the yucky Neulasta shot that always follows the next day! Praise Jesus, and the nurse that cares!! That makes me so happy! (Never believe those pharmaceutical commercials, the Neulasta one, it is all these beautiful healthy people of different ages and ethnicity standing in a field of flowers, with a gentle breeze blowing, talking about how this shot has given them more energy, after their chemo, HA! They skirt over the wicked side effects!) Anyway, one of the side effects of all these chemicals they are pumping into me is HOT FLASHES! So last night I crank down the AC to 55* (Luckily my unit is separate from the rest of the house), Heyward sleeps with Cole after my chemo treatments, because I want the bed (ha, really the TV remote!) to myself. Aaaah, sweet victory, HOT (kick cover off, cold cover up, HOT, cold, I manage to sleep pretty decent with the air and fan blowing on me. Heyward comes to check up on me the next morning, as I peak out from under the comforter (a cold phase), I see him laughing.
Me: What is so funny?
Husband: The only thing I could see when I came in was the top of your bald head. You looked like a little bald baby bird in a nest! It’s cute.
What can I say, I will take cute that early in the morning!
So, I am noticing the green pollen everywhere. In the mornings now, my eyes are glued such, and my nose won’t stop running. Allergies have never been much of a problem with me. So I am trying to figure out why it is bothering me so much. Flash to the bathroom, One of the pluses of chemo is I no longer have to use surgi cream to remove my excess facial hair (ok moustache). As I am expecting my face for any other hair that may need to be pluck, (another story in itself) I notice I have very little nose hair as well. Well, I put 2 and 2 together, and figure my allergies are so bad, because I no longer have nose hair to filter out the pollen. This was yesterday, so while I talk to the doctor about everything , I point out that I no longer have nose hair, and my allergies are killing me. Hoping for a prescription or something, This is how the conversation goes.
Me: Hey, Doctor Doogie (since he looks like he is 12) This pollen is killing me, could the fact that I have no nose hair be part of the problem?
Doctor Doogie: Ummm, well Tammy, this is a first, I have talked about a lot of side effects of chemo, but no one has ever brought up the loss of Nose Hair before.
Husband : Only Tammy could come up with a question you never heard before.
Me: (Thinking but not saying, Yeah, but Dr. Doogie, has only been in practice like what, only a year.) Ha!
Needless to say, I didn’t get a prescription, but Dr. Doogie got a good laugh.

The Hugs (O) and Kisses (X) story (funny)

So I did come up with my title for this blog weeks ago, (in one of my dream writing sessions). So the story goes, it is my birthday no less, Heyward and I are at our first cancer appointment with the radiologist who is going to share with us the MRIs of my tumor. I am filling out paper work, and I get a text on my phone. I ask my husband to read it to me since I am once again filling out for the up tenth time that I have no history of cancer, never been in a hospital (besides giving birth) , blah blah blah. So this is how the conversation goes:

Husband: Its Elizabeth, she says Happy Birthday, and XOXOXOXOX, what does ox- ox- ox mean? Why is she saying ox to you? Ox the animal?

Me:(not believing I am hearing this) You mean XO, XO, that means hugs and kisses, oh my gosh!, you don't know that XO means HUGS AND KISSES? (I am also thinking what a nimrod, but I don't say that! *L*) I have written you love letters and sent you cards for over 20 years and always signed them XOXO, and you never knew that meant hugs and kisses!?????

Husband: Oh , I always thought it was sports related. (no joke this is what he said! and meant it)

Me: I am sorry, but every person on this planet knows that XOs mean hugs and kisses.

At this point husband starts naming off a list of men he is sure that would not know the meaning of x and os. With me challenging him to call them, because once again every human on earth, besides my husband, and maybe some pygmies somewhere in Uganda knows that X and Os mean HUGS and Kisses! We are still discussing (arguing ) about this as we head down the corridor to the doctor. We are promptly met with a doctor, that if it wasn't for a few grey hairs, I would swear was Doogie Howser. Dr. A is attentive, explaining to us the size of the cancer, the type, my treatment, and why, oh why, something like this can happen to someone like me! He tears up with us, holds my hand, and does all the right things. After 45 minutes of his undivided attention he asks us one final question.

Dr. A: You all have asked wonderful informed questions, is there anything else you may want to know?

Me: Yes, Dr. A, do you know what Xs and Os mean?

Dr. A: You mean hugs and kisses?(with a very perplexed look on his face).

Me: (Looking to husband) You see, even DR. A KNOWS the meaning of Xs and Os! *LOL*

So you see, even in the darkest of moments, you can find something to lighten your spirits, so when I am feeling a little blue the x and o story is something I can think back on and it makes me smile. I shared this story with my friend who texts started this conversation, and she gave me as a gift an XO necklace, I LOVE it, so in a way hugs and kisses is my battle cry against this cancer, my other friends have jumped on the bad wagon as well, so now we all sign off with XOXO, and I can't think of a better way.
xoxoXOXO,
Tam

Hello 43-hello breast cancer

I am a "dream" writer. At night when I can't sleep, I start writing stories, letters, poems in my head. My husband says I sometimes giggle in my sleep. I am sure this is when I think I am being particularly clever, and in that state of half awake, have dreaming. I always fail to write anything down, so when the morning light finally wakes me, I never remember what was so funny, and had me laughing. Thus begins my day (not being so clever), getting the kids up, breakfast, feeding the animals (who are always so much more grateful for their breakfast, and make me smile!), and then getting myself ready for work and whatever awaits me. I am in hopes that this blog will help me put into words my journey. You see, in January, no less on my birthday, the reality of breast cancer came into my life and greeted me with a bang. Hello 43!